Author: William Macaulay, Psychotherapist, Counsellor & Life Coach

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Avoiding and Minimising Conflict in Relationships: Making the Problem About Yourself, Not the Other Person

Conflict is an inevitable part of human interactions, but it doesn't have to lead to strained relationships or unresolved issues. One effective strategy to avoid and minimise conflict is by framing the problem in terms of your own experiences and feelings rather than placing blame on the other person.

When addressing a potentially contentious issue with someone, make the problem about yourself rather than about them. It is human nature to want to help someone with a problem. However, if we sense that we are the problem, we become defensive.

To make the problem about you, start the sentence with "I" (known as using "I" statements) followed by expressing how you feel. This is helpful as human nature inclines us to want to help someone who is distressed. Also, avoid using the word "you" in the sentence, as it indicates the problem is about them and can be confrontational.

Correct Example: "I've been feeling sad due to the lack of intimacy that has crept into our relationship."

Notice that you are making the problem about you, telling them how you feel, and not using the word "you".

Incorrect Example: "You are so cold and never show me any affection."

In this example, you are making the problem about them. When a sentence begins with "you", people usually anticipate criticism. They may not fully absorb the rest of your statement as they are preoccupied with figuring out how to defend themselves.

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Additional Practical Tips for Avoiding and Minimising Conflict

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• Stay Calm: Approach the conversation with a calm and composed demeanour. Take deep breaths and pause if you feel emotions rising.

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• Listen Actively: Show that you are listening to the other person's perspective. Nod, maintain eye contact, and reflect on what they say to demonstrate understanding.

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• Avoid Absolutes: Steer clear of words like "always" and "never," which can escalate conflict. Focus on specific incidents instead.

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• Be Respectful: Treat the other person with respect, even if you disagree. Acknowledge their feelings and perspectives.

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• Focus on Resolution: Keep the conversation goal-oriented. Aim to find a solution that meets both parties' needs rather than dwelling on the problem.

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• Help or Hurt: Before entering into a potentially conflictual conversation, take a moment to ask yourself, "Is it my intention to help or to hurt?" If you intend to hurt, avoid having the conversation.

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• Stick to the Issue at Hand: When discussing a potentially conflictual matter, stick to the specific issue at hand. Avoid introducing unrelated topics; save those for separate conversations.

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• Take Time-Out: If you sense anger or frustration building up during a discussion, take a step back from the situation or person. Give yourself a moment to cool down by going for a walk or finding a quiet space to collect your thoughts. It's crucial to regain composure before resuming the conversation. During moments of heightened anger, the impulsive part of the brain (amygdala) tends to override the rational part (pre-frontal cortex). However, the rational part usually regains control within a relatively short period, typically around 20 minutes.

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Relationship Counselling

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By making the problem about yourself rather than the other person, you can avoid and minimise conflict effectively. Using "I" statements fosters a more empathetic and constructive dialogue, reducing defensiveness and promoting problem-solving. This approach not only helps resolve or minimise conflict but also strengthens relationships by building trust and understanding. Practice this technique in your interactions and experience the benefits of more positive and effective communication.

Whatever the cause of your relationship challenges, the guidance and expertise of a trained counselling professional can help you significantly improve your situation and overall experience. Contact William Macaulay Counselling Perth today for more information or to book an appointment.